Spencer Pratt Something Something Douche

While talking with one of my friends about Spencer Pratt and how much of a douche he is, a realisation came over me. And when I say realisation, I mean I was looking at the tv and noticed something. It was that FallOut Boy song that isn’t very good and everyone is wearing Mission: Impossible false faces and someone takes theirs off and its Spencer Pratt. Kevin Federline worked his way up from being a back up dancer to a “celebrity” in his own right, whereas Pratt seems to be working his way up to being a back up dancer for big black rappers that I’ve never heard of.

I mean, sure, Kevin Casey (who, if you Wikipedia-search him, comes up as the Michael J Fox character in Scrubs) looks pretty tough and could probably pummel nancy-boy rappers into the pavement, but he’s still entirely unknown, and his first single is called No Surrender 2. Huh? Have I missed something? And it’s to be continued? The story to this video is that you like kicking people in the face and dancing with dudes in the desert. Is there some cliffhanger plot-point that I’ve completely missed out on here?

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May 22, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. 1 comment.

Paris Hilton; Agony Aunt

141439_paris-hilton-001_jpg5051ad08145f120e4e77da3a3ddb0f41While in Cannes this week promoting her new film, someone from ITN got a few seconds alone with Paris’ attention and asked her how she felt about the whole Jordan/Peter Andre break-up. Why anyone would think that Paris would know anything about Jordan or Peter Andre is beyond me, but in this case, their instincts turned up a winner, as Paris was able to respond… in a typically Paris-ian way.

Interviewer: Paris, any thoughts on the Jordan and Peter break up?

Paris: I’m not sad. I don’t know him. I know her, she’s cute so hopefully she’ll like being single.

Interviewer: Do you think she’ll cope during the break up?

Paris: Yeah! She can rock it!

Hmmm. I have the very strong impression that she has no idea what the interviewer was asking her. But then she was probably preoccupied with the critical reaction to her movie. And, unlike her previous movie “efforts” like House Of Wax or The Hottie & The Nottie, this is a serious film. A documentary no less. But, exactly like her previous movie “efforts”, it’s all about her. The film is called Paris, Not France and is all about the difficulties of being an attractive mid-twenties heir to billions, and is filled with honest truths like “People see me as a Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy… maybe that’s what they like” and “There’s a mystery about me because how I am in public is completely different to how I am in private.”

Not so sure about that, Par. Most people like to have sex in private, whereas your sex can be accessed to be anyone with a wi-fi connection. But that infamous moment in her life is dealt with to: “It’s the most intimate thing you can do and the whole f***ing world is watching it and laughing at you. That’s not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It’s not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.” Yeah, because everyone was really getting a sense of Diana deja-vu from you with the half-naked red carpet appearances, dodgy r’n’b albums, crappy reality tv shows, DUI charges and stints behind bars. It was only when the sex-tape was leaked that we realised there were some differences in you two after all.

May 18, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random, tv. Leave a comment.

The Lady & The Tramp

SPL99901_001It was while staring at this photo with the utmost contempt that I got to thinking; why do we hate these two so much? I mean, yes, they played the villians in a t.v. show, but isn’t it all very faux-real? Karen in Will & Grace was a total bitch, but people still loved her, so why with all the hate for these two? Are they so good at their jobs that the hate for them has spread into The Real World. Maybe, but I think it may just be because these two are such total douches in The Real World anyways. Spencer is a lost cause (just look at his Wiki-page, all three lines of it), but Heidi, WTF?

Trying to get her music career off the ground since The Hills is about to die a death and everyone has jumped overboard or clambered on to a “reality” series of their own, Heidi announced “I am working on my album right now. The sound is going to be very fun, fresh, sexy. It will be the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie. I grew up dancing so there also will be a lot of performing. And a lot of my songs will be very sexual.” Eh… Great?

Her first single, (click on the song titles to hear them) Body Language had Spencer doing a rap on it (the equivalent of Britney getting K-Fed to ruin Gimme More), then there was Higher with a video shot by Spencer. Then there was Dramatic which Heidi said was a duet with Britney, which was a surprise to Britney, cos she had no recollection of recording with Heidi, and to this date, claims Heidi illegally recorded her vocals from previous Britney songs. Then there was Fashion, which had Heidi all excited because Ugly Betty wanted to use it in one of their episodes, but then they decided they preferred the Lady Gaga version, so they used that one instead. So thats none for five, so far. But then she finally hired a proper producer/songwriter, in the form of Cathy Dennis, she who what wrote Can’t Get You Out Of My Head for Kylie and I Kissed A Girl for Katy Perry, so this was a smart decision. The result is Black Out, which is just as bad, if not worse, than all the songs she’s released so far.

All I can safely assume is that Heidi Montag is a walking, breathing version of the Large Hadron Collider, a black hole where all talent will be sucked into. Intriguing, non?

May 13, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Is This The Most Upsetting Advert Ever?

Yes, yes it is.

Mum: Here kids, have a Canadian SlushPuppy. It’s made from bits of real clowns.

Kids: WWAAAAAAHHH!

May 9, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . funny, oh sweet jesus, random, tv. Leave a comment.

Is This Too Easy?

There are opportunities in the world of celebrities to use our comedic brains to come up with something funny about something a famous person did or said and everyone laughs at them and they get to continue to count their money and everyone is happy. But then there are those in the world of fame that just… they just… I mean, seriously now…

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Yes, we get it, you’re both whores. You’re whore-ish to the media and your whore-isms escalate when attention is deviated from you, but come on now. Swine Flu has actually killed people, and instead of being sensitive, you go around, parading through Los Angeles airport, doing kissy faces, thinking its so funny reinacting that scene from Outbreak where the two people who masks on kiss. Well, in that scene, those people ended up DEAD! Any money they’re in the airport cos they’ve just come back from Mexico, standing on the graves of the flu victims, screaming “You are El-Deado! We are El-Richo and El-Famouso!”

Either that or they have their masks on so they don’t infect each other with their own viral strains of self-importance. Which, to be honest, is reason enough for everyone else in The Hills to start wearing them, too.

April 30, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, oh sweet jesus, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

The Greatest Line-Up Ever!

dog-bounty-hunter-tv-12Sometimes I’m A Celebrity…… Get Me Out Of Here gets it very wrong. And sometimes they get it very right. But, most years, they get it very wrong and very right, and this year is no exception. Aside from the insane/genius inclusion of Dog The Bounty Hunter, there is also Janice Dickenson, Geraldo Rivera (although that’s just a rumour for now), not to mention the fantastic addition of Heidi and Spencer from The Hills! How awesome is that.

But the only other addition so far confirmed (and by confirmed, I mean rumoured) is someone called Rod Blagojevich. Who?, cry the masses. No, its not a football club owner like I had originally guessed, but is in fact a politician who was Govenor Of Illinois from 2003 to 2009. So what makes him a “celebrity”? Well, Blagojevich was arrested on federal corruption charges December 9, 2008. The charges involved conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery. Nice work, Nixon 2.0! Although it just seems like someone who Dog will end up hunting down through the forest, being really mean to, and then helping him find god and redemption in the back of his truck on the way to the nearest police station.

April 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Lauren Is Gone To The Dogs

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Poor, poor Lauren. Everyone else is moving on to bigger better other things, but with The Hills set to end at the end of this season, what has she got? Audrina has moved on to showing off her rad-bod in swimming movies and horror movies, Whitney has The City, Brody has Bromance, even Heidi has her “singing career”, but what of poor Lauren?

Well, none other than modern tv’s hero Seth McFarlane has got in contact with her to do a guest voice spot on Family Guy, in an episode set to air May 3rd, where she will play….. herself. In a love triangle with Brian and someone else who hasn’t been named for either secretive or forgetful reasons, but I’m hoping that its not Stewie, cos he is a baby, and that would be gross. (but dating a grown up dog, thats fine)

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But while this voice spot may very well be the biggest acting stretch since Eminem in 8 Mile, the upside is that the animators should have a nice and easy time of it. I can’t imagine drawing a still image of Lauren and Brian staring at each other silently while Natasha Bedingfield plays over the background is exactly time consuming.

April 13, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . funny, hot hotness, oh sweet jesus, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Squarepants In Fashion

17138_spongebob_19It’s hard to believe that its been ten years since Spongebob Squarepants first hit the screens, but it has been, and in that time he’s been nothing short of being the best cartoon character of the modern age. People are a particular age look back at the mid-80’s/early-90’s, and the cartoon’s we had when we were younger, and then look at the one’s kids have to deal with today, and we feel sorry for the kids of today. Except when it comes Spongebob, cos he is awesome, as pretty much everyone can tell you. And over the years, he’s dealt with drug issues (what are the writers on when they come up with these storylines?), gay rumours (the voice of Spongebob seems to think so), celebrity love-ins (Scarlett Johansson, David Bowie and Johnny Depp have all provided voice work for the show), and when it became a movie, was still very watchable, despite the mess than Nickelodeon made of all its other cartoons (who remembers Hey Arnold The Movie? Rugrats Go Wild? The Wild Thornberrys?).

And now, Spongebob can add another famous feather to his cap, for currently doing voice-work for a show due for release in 2010 is non-other than Victoria Beckham, goddess of the fashion shows, who is set to play Queen Amphitrite, goddess of the sea. Of course the real question here is; why her? Is it so she can show her kids that she can actually do something they can relate to without having to put on Spice Up Your Life? Or maybe she has a new Yellow-Underwater themed fashion line on the way and this is just a prelude? If this is the case, she may want to take a hit out on Pharrell Williams.

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April 10, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, oh sweet jesus, random, tv. 1 comment.

Kanye Is A Gay Fish

Last night’s new episode of South Park basically tore Kanye a new a-hole (which I’m sure he’ll put to good use), but in retaliation, instead of just taking it in his stride or laughing along at it like the hundreds of other celebrities that South Park have made fun of to date, he went and took it all personally and then, shock! horror!, blogged about it, as follows (note: I think the caps lock button on his keyboard might be broken, but more likely its he thinks every word he is writing should be as big as possible)

“IT HURTS MY FEELINGS BUT WHAT CAN YOU EXPECT FROM SOUTH PARK! I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN WORKING ON MY EGO THOUGH. HAVING THE CRAZY EGO IS PLAYED OUT IN MY LIFE AND CAREER. I JUST WANT TO BE A DOPER PERSON WHICH STARTS WITH ME NOT ALWAYS TELLING PEOPLE HOW DOPE I THINK I AM.”

Here’s some helpful steps to help check yo’self, Mister West:

(1) When being interviewed, don’t refer to yourself  as “The voice of this generation.”

(2) When being interviewed, don’t say that your biggest regret is “Not being able to see myself performing live.”

(3) When blogging, stop using the word “dope.”

(4) Destroy that auto-tune machine thing.

(5) Go the Jay-Z route and get a famous girlfriend. I hear Li-Lo is single again.

Et voila. Five easy steps to detox the douche-ness from your life. You can thank on the credits of your next album.

April 9, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, music, tv. 1 comment.

Paris Has A Brother?!

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Why didn’t anyone tell me that that there was more Hiltons in the world? And here’s my thinking that Paris and Nicky were enough, I had no idea they had a brother! And his name is Barron, no less! How awesome is that? Well, Barron (I’m sorry, really? Barron?) recently gave an interview to The New York Post and by golly is he ever sick of being referred to as a Hilton:

“I’m sick of all the Hilton stuff, where all anyone cared about was whether I was doing coke in the bathroom or how many [bleeps] I was sleeping with. I’m done with partying and traveling. It’s time to get this [bleep] started.”

Firstly, does anyone have any idea what he might’ve said to cause the first bleep? Bitches? Hoes? Something much, much worse that rhymes with Runts? Maybe if he doesn’t want to get a bad name for himself, he shouldn’t be giving interviews to national papers and require so many bleeps. Just a thought. But he has a different plan to get proper recognition for himself.

“It’s gonna be like The Hills (did he just say the hills ins’t real?! – ed) but real. A lot of that stuff is pre-setup or re-setup. This is gonna show the meetings, the production side, the recording side . . . I just want people to say, ‘Wow, this song really moved me, or made me cry.”

The songs he’s referring to are the one’s he’s recoring at his New York penthouse apartment, songs that as of yet are to get any music labels drooling to sign him. So, in summation, Barron Hilton wants to distance himself from the preconceptions of the Hilton name by giving sweary interviews, doing a reality t.v. show, and getting a music career. These are all great ideas, non? What else should he do? Maybe get involved in some DUI’s? Oops, too late.

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Thats his mugshot after being arrested for DUI and running over some poor gas station attendant. So far, so good, Barron.

April 4, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, music, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

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