Big Screen Wally

Sometimes I think that there is still some glimmer of hope in Hollywood in terms of originality. This slice of time usually occurs around the release of a Pixar movie and I feel all good inside. “Wow, toys coming to life! Wow, the last robot on Earth falls in love! Wow, a house flies away with balloons!”

But more often than not Hollywood shows what it really is; an all consuming entity of intelligence destroying, soul sapping evil. No book, play, video game, tv show, graphic novel, foreign film, old film, comic book, theme park ride or time in history is safe from it, and now, well……


I mean come on now, for seriously, Where’s Wally? Is this what has been hiding at the bottom of the barrel? Just when you thought you couldn’t scrap anything else up from the dredges, you found this, right next to your idea of making a film about that self-help book written by that 9 year old. I really hope it’s directed by the guy who made Inspector Gadget, in 3-D, with Wally played by that McLuvin’ kid, and maybe he can be friends with Eddie Murphy or Steve Martin or some other once great comedian who can’t find his way out of the kiddie’s flick section in the Fox backlot. That’d be awesome, wouldn’t it! Can you imagine it? Just two hours of this:


Except in 3-frickin’-D! Totallyawesomecool.


June 5, 2009. Tags: , , , , . douch alert, funny, Is that really necessary?, movies, oh sweet jesus. Leave a comment.

Review; “Terminator Salvation”

terminator_salvation_posterSo, 25 years after the original, but set 9 years from now, it’s finally here, the film that everyone was looking forward to, but expecting to be kinda pants. Pre-word was the defintion of mixed bag; Christian Bale? Hoorah! McG? Boooo! From the writer of The Dark Knight? Hoorah! But also from the writer of Catwoman? Boooo! And on and on and on…… But now it’s finally here, is it any good? Yes. And no. This will be the Marmite Film Of The Year, there will be no middle ground.

Perhaps the reason for this is because it doesn’t really feel like a Terminator film in any real way. Yes, the robots are the same and John Connor is running about the place, but this doesn’t feel like the flash-forwards from the first three movies. Back then, the year 2018 seemed to be constantly set at night, with both humans and robots are constant war with each other, with lasers and the like lighting up the perma-dark sky. But now, 2018 is set mostly during the day (as the robots have infra-red night-vision, just one of the many off the cuff remarks that will lead to many a fan-boy screaming at the screen), there are no lasers to speak of as everything seems to have weird retro-steam-punk feel to it, and there is no war. Well, there is a war, but not one we see on screen. More often that not, we only ever see one robot on screen at any one time, not the masses of machinery that James Cameron had envision decades ago.

The movie doesn’t feel like a Terminator movie, it feels like a post-apocalyptic zombie movie, except they have guns and the ability to use them properly. And for a movie that involves time-travelling robots, everyone in it is acting like they’re in Apocalypse Now 2; Nuclear Bugaloo. Christian Bale brings the same deep throat gravel acting that he had in the Batman movies, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, whether the world believes him or not. Bryce Dallas Howard shows up to do nothing more than be pregnant (which isn’t mentioned once!), Moon Bloodgood is hot and spunky but is essentially little more than a walking Deus Ex Machina, and Helena Bonham Carter jarrs the audience with her tops-and-tails appearances in the movie, but thats all I’m gonna say about that. Michael Ironside and Common are both there to remind us that The Robots Are Bad, in case anyone needed reminding .On the plus side is Sam Worthington and Anton Yelchin, as Marcus Wright and Kyle Reece respectively, and both bring enough charisma and gravitas to their roles to make them work exceptionally well.

But they’re all pretty much background dressing to what people really came here to see; Explosions and Robots and Exploding Robots, and director McG does a fine job at handling the action portion of the movie. When the movie does stop trying to exposition itself to death, the pulse does quicken and you do find yourself sliding ever so slightly towards the edge of the seat. There are even some cool Children Of Men-esque one shot scenes which looked very difficult to do, including one near the start of the film with Bale trying to safely land a helicopter. Upside down. But another problem arises, in that the film’s best and most exciting action sequence arrives around the 45 minute mark, at which point there’s nothing left to do but slowly let the next hour never reach that pinnacle of excitement again.

There are a few great things that happen that I won’t ruin for you here because they might make the movie for you, and there are a few terribly bad things that happen that I also won’t mention here because they might ruin the movie for you. Preconceptions are a terrible thing; and thats what this movie is loaded with. In my mind its the first movie that is a sequel but also a prequel. Events are yet to happen in time, but we already know whats going to happen, which kinda sucks the suspense out of it. There’s also the fact that anyone who’s seen the first two (or three, depending on how much you hated the third and don’t mind me mentioning it here) and seen the flash-forwards and thought “Wow, a movie set just in the future like those scenes would be so awesome” and this is that movie, and it’s not all that awesome. You could blame the director of the Charlies Angels saga for ruining it, or the muddled writing time, or a million other things, but in the end, the blame falls squarely at the feet of Terminator and Terminator 2. In that respect this movie reminds me alot of The Matrix Revloutions, for reasons other than just critical which you’ll understand after you see Terminator Salvation, but for now it’s this point; yes, its not as good as the first two, and yes, it is a major disappointment which may cause you to hate it by comparison, but look at it this way, if the first two never existed for you to contrast it against, then this movie might’ve had a chance of being pretty good. So after all my take of Love It or Hate It, here goes……

Rating; Six out of Ten.

Rory Cashin.

May 21, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, movies, reviews. Leave a comment.

The Angst Is Palpable

Here goes, the first official look at the new Twilight movie poster:


Ooh, the moodiness. Being a fan of literature, I can proudly say that I’ve never read a single Twilight book, but then I’m probably not their ideal audience, since I’m not looking to hook up with any 14 year olds in the near future. But having seen the first film (through laugh induced tears) and from this poster, I’m gonna assume that stuff isn’t working out with the Vampire dude, but the Werewolf dude has been working out, so the chick is all like “Hot damn!”, right? Am I right? I’m so right. Also, “The Twilight Saga“? Jesus, take a chill pill. Its based on 4 books for sexless teenagers, not on The Torah. But on the upside, this poster is alot more subtle than their original idea.


Ugh….. Homoerotic much?

May 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . funny, movies, oh sweet jesus. Leave a comment.

Paris Hilton; Agony Aunt

141439_paris-hilton-001_jpg5051ad08145f120e4e77da3a3ddb0f41While in Cannes this week promoting her new film, someone from ITN got a few seconds alone with Paris’ attention and asked her how she felt about the whole Jordan/Peter Andre break-up. Why anyone would think that Paris would know anything about Jordan or Peter Andre is beyond me, but in this case, their instincts turned up a winner, as Paris was able to respond… in a typically Paris-ian way.

Interviewer: Paris, any thoughts on the Jordan and Peter break up?

Paris: I’m not sad. I don’t know him. I know her, she’s cute so hopefully she’ll like being single.

Interviewer: Do you think she’ll cope during the break up?

Paris: Yeah! She can rock it!

Hmmm. I have the very strong impression that she has no idea what the interviewer was asking her. But then she was probably preoccupied with the critical reaction to her movie. And, unlike her previous movie “efforts” like House Of Wax or The Hottie & The Nottie, this is a serious film. A documentary no less. But, exactly like her previous movie “efforts”, it’s all about her. The film is called Paris, Not France and is all about the difficulties of being an attractive mid-twenties heir to billions, and is filled with honest truths like “People see me as a Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy… maybe that’s what they like” and “There’s a mystery about me because how I am in public is completely different to how I am in private.”

Not so sure about that, Par. Most people like to have sex in private, whereas your sex can be accessed to be anyone with a wi-fi connection. But that infamous moment in her life is dealt with to: “It’s the most intimate thing you can do and the whole f***ing world is watching it and laughing at you. That’s not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It’s not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.” Yeah, because everyone was really getting a sense of Diana deja-vu from you with the half-naked red carpet appearances, dodgy r’n’b albums, crappy reality tv shows, DUI charges and stints behind bars. It was only when the sex-tape was leaked that we realised there were some differences in you two after all.

May 18, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random, tv. Leave a comment.

Oscars 2010? Already?

Yes. I’m afraid so.

Even though it feels like only yesterday that we winced our way through Hugh Jackson’s hosting duties, already Hollywood is gearing up for next year’s front runners. Here’s some trailers for said runners up front.

First up, The Road:

As anyone who has read the book (one of the best works of fiction in the last decade) can attest to, there isn’t a whole lot in the trailer that seems to relate to the source novel. The trailer would have you believe that this is a po-faced version of The Day After Tomorrow, which couldn’t really be any further from the truth. Also, the character of The Wife is mentioned maybe twice, but here, played by Charlize Theron, seems to be popping up all over the place. But I suppose there’s no point in hiring a Charlize Theron if you’re not going to use a Charlize Theron. I just hope that this is a case of the distributors trying to sell it to the masses by making it look all blockbuster-y, instead of just making it all blockbuster-y.

And, on the opposite end of the depression scale, we have Nine:

Daniel Day Lewis is having trouble because his personal and professional lives keep clashing, mainly down to the women in those lives. Those women consist of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Judi Dench, Marion Cottilard, Sophia Loren, Stacey Ferguson (Fergie Ferg!) amoung others. What I’m feeling for DDY right now is not sympathy. Its not even close to sympathy. Except for when it comes to Fergie Ferg, just check out the trailer at the 1.20 mark. BAH!

May 15, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, movies. Leave a comment.

The Most Newsworthy Blog Of All Time?

Right now, in Cannes, is a “friend” of mine. Why with the rabbit fingers? Well, I don’t think you’re supposed to hate your friends quite so much as I hate this friend. Why do I hate this friend? Because he’s in Cannes, you dimwit! Do try to keep up. Anyways, amidst all the poor cinematique artistes and rich Hollywood gloryhounds he managed to take this photo of what looks like a French magazine cover:


On the left is my personal Number One Infatuation, Monica Bellucci. There are no words in the English language that can properly convey my undying love for her. And here she is touching boobies with Sophie Marceau (the hottie queen from Braveheart, and she was even hot with half an ear in The World Is Not Enough, thats a good hottie litmus test; does she have half an ear? is she still hot? then she’s a hottie.) Anyways, yes, there topless together. I even had the title “Les Audacieuses” translated. It means “The Bold” and not “We want Rory in the middle” like I’d hoped.

May 14, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, movies, oh sweet jesus. Leave a comment.

Megan Fox. Alfred Kinsey. Seperated At Birth?


Is this the only time we’d ever imagine Megan to be in a library? Yes. Except maybe that one time in college when she hooked up with a nerd to pass some super important exam. Anyways, Megan has decided to leave the world of movies to devote her life to sexual psychology. Is there anyone who may be more qualified for the position? No, I can’t think of anyone else. Anwyays, here’s her opening statement:

“I think people are born bisexual and they make subconscious choices based on the pressures of society. I have no question in my mind about being bisexual. But I’m also a hypocrite. I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”

If this were any other woman, I’d be all like “Shut up! You shut your damn mouth you prick-teasing bitch!”, but since it’s Megan, and she had more to say, I’ll let it slide.

“I just think that all humans are born with the ability to be attracted to both sexes. I mean, I could see myself in a relationship with a girl — Olivia Wilde (the hot bisexual chick in House, fyi) is so sexy she makes me want to strangle a mountain ox with my bare hands. She’s mesmerising. And lately I’ve been obsessed with Jenna Jameson, but… oh boy.”

At least her taste in women is better than her taste in men. I mean, seriously now, Brian Austin Green? How clean can he really be?

May 14, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, movies, oh sweet jesus, random. Leave a comment.

Just The Right Man For The Job

The story of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde is a good one; scientist creates serum that erupts his violent, ultra-strong and monstrous alter-ego. The actor playing him must have the skills and nuances to display the inner turmoil of the good doctor at once trying to find a cure, and enjoying the power at his possession. All very interesting stuff and potentially brilliant in the right hands. So, of course, they gave it to Keanu Reeves.

I don’t know if anyone else has noticed this, but I’m pretty sure Keanu had a stroke or something in the early 90’s. At one point he was the awesome surfer dude in the Bill & Ted movies, Point Break, Parenthood, all that good stuff… and then BAM!, he seemed incapable of human emotion. The “character traits” of apathy, detachment and cynicism he displayed in Constatine, The Day The Earth Stood Still, The Matrix trilogy, et al could just as easily be described as an entire lack of acting skill. On the plus side, he does seem to have discovered the fountain of youth. Or, if not youth, then at least “age stabilizing.”

I seem to have gotten off topic at some point.

May 8, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, movies, oh sweet jesus. Leave a comment.

America Is Weird

That’s right. I said it. You’re all weird, the lot of ya. I know cinema is like a religion to you, but I mean seriously now:

Wasn’t this already a film? Wasn’t it called The Hand That Rocked The Cradle? And wasn’t it good? So why remake it, rename it, and recast it with WonderDiva, that hairlip chick from Heroes and…… I’m sorry, just who the hell is that guy that they’re all fighting over? Idris Elba, I’ve never heard of you, and you’re not exactly Taye Diggs, so whats the big deal? Also, the trailer is epic in length, and I’m pretty sure it gives away the entire film. Also, Jerry O’Connell? Just where the fudge have you been hiding?

Anyways, the point I’m trying to make; this film is currently number one in the U.S. box office, having made over $28 million since friday. It made more money than that shit Zac Efron movie, or that shit Channing Tatum movie. Even though it itself looks like all kinds of shit. Is that what’s in now? Is shit whats hot? I just don’t understand the world anymore.

April 26, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . funny, movies. 2 comments.

Stipped Indeed

christina-aguilera-2008-ama-performances-1123082As we all know, Aguilera? She kinda a ho. Even though she’s all married now and kids and everything, deep down at heart? She a ho-bag. No matter how much distance she tries to put between herself and Dirrty, she’ll never get far enough away that someone won’t automatically associate her with ass-less chaps. So, even though she’s moved on from sampling Redman to working with Goldfrapp and Ladytron for her next album, its not clear if she can really “sell” anything anymore. Her “Best Of” album was a flop, Keeps Gettin’ Better was one of the worst songs of 2008, and has anyone even heard Dynamite? No? Well, not to worry, cos here it is:

Admittedly, miles better than the other single she released for the Best Of album, but the fact that it charted absolutely nowhere (except, for some reason, Russia), is evidence enough that she’s flailing. So what to do? Go the Britney route and get a divorce? Go the Britney route and have a nervous breakdown and have a comeback with an album that sounds 4 years old? Go the Britney route and be in a movie that sounds cack to everyone? Yes, to that last option, for now at least.

E! Online reports that Aguilera is interested in starring in the upcoming film Burlesque, about a modern-day burlesque dancer. The film, which was written and will be directed by Steve Antin—whose sister, Robin Antin, launched the hugely successful burlesque troupe Pussycat Dolls—is tentatively slated to begin shooting on January 2010. Though a rep for Screen Gems, which is producing the film, says that it’s “too preliminary to comment on” casting, a source says that Dancing With the Stars hoofer Julianne Hough is in talks to costar as a pregnant showgirl.

All of this sounded terrible enough (in a Basic Instinct 2 Yes I know it looks terrible, but I’ll probably enjoy it in spite of myself, common sense, common decency and the basic rules of film criticism kinda way), and then I researched “director” Steve Antin. He has one directorial credit to his name, namely The Glass House 2 which has the bewildering tagline “She Makes Mommy Dearest Look Like An Angel“. Huh? I give up. I really do.

April 17, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random. Leave a comment.

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