How much do you like Daniel Craig? Really? Enough to vote to immortalise him in ice-cream form and then abruptly, ahem, eat him?
Well apparantly some 1,000 women like to vote for these kind of things, and most of them decided that Mr. Craig was the one they’d most like to lick, and Del Monte Superfruit Smoothies obliged these sick chicas.
Weird, but not without it’s charms I suppose.
Freida Pinto is other-worldly hot and is a total ride-face, as anyone who has seen Slumdog Millionaire or a newspaper in the last three months can attest to. And following on from the news that she is joining the likes of Josh Brolin, Naomi Watts, Anthony Hopkins and Antonio Banderas in Woody Allen’s next London-based movie, she is also now the head runner for the next Bond movie.
This was announced after the other Bond announcement that Slumdog Millionaire director Danny Boyle is now in pole position to direct the next Bond adventure. Quantum Of Solace was the first to be directed by a non-British region director, and is seen by many as being a kind of weak entry to the series, so they wanna bring it back to homeland directors. Is directing a Bond movie a step backwards for a freshly Oscar’d director? Maybe, but Danny Boyle is kinda cool (he directed 28 Days Later and Sunshine, so he knows how to make genre movies). Is being the Bond girl after staring in a freshly Oscar’d movie a step backwards for hottie Freida? Well, ask Halle Berry. When was the last time you seen her in anything good? My point exactly…..
Matt Damon has thrown a big crazy ass tantrum to remind people that he still exists and, once again, the James Bond films have felt his wrath. Granted Matt Damon wrath isn’t anywhere near as intimidating as Jason Bourne wrath would be but anyways.
He describes Bond as “ repulsive. Bond is an imperialist, misogynist, sociopath who goes around bedding women and swilling martinis and killing people. The movies have a formula, they stick to it, and it makes them a lot of money. They know what they are doing and they’re going to keep doing it.”
Congratulations Matt , you’ve exposed the best kept Hollywood secret of all time. And I seem to recall that for a man hellbent on revenge with a bad dose of amnesia, Bourne still managed to fit in some sex along the way as well.
I think the real problem is that Matt looks like this:
While Daniel Craig/Bond looks like this:
And while I wouldnt dispute that Bourne would kick Bond’s ass, I think Matt needs to remember that Bourne shot itself in the foot by calling the last one in the trilogy “Ultimatum”. What possible title could they give another one? “Bourne – Reoccurrence“?
OPEN ON: PICTURESQUE MOUNTAIN ROAD
Bond: *is driving like a mad man, avoiding on coming traffic and bullets from guns held by bad guys chasing him*
Audience Member: What’s going on? I haven’t seen Casino Royale.
Everyone Else In The Audience: You get out of here! Right now!
Bond: *ducks and dives and swerves and crashes and dodges and skids his way through a quarry until everyone else on the road is dead, and then calmly drives his right-off into a small town to meet up with M*
Jack White & Alicia Keys: *sing an awful, awful, awful song*
CUT TO: SOME ROOM, WITH A HORSERACE OUTSIDE
Bond: What’s with the horserace?
M: Never mind that, it’ll be cut in with your foot chase later.
Bond: But that simile doesn’t make a lot of sense.
M: No? Well you better get used to it, there’s more to come.
M: So, you’re a bad guy, Mr. White?
Mr. White: Why yes, yes I am. And you know what? Someone else in here is a bad guy.
Everyone Else: *shuffles feet, mumbles*
Mr. White: I said, SOMEONE ELSE IN HERE IS A BAD GUY!
Random Bad Guy: Oh right, that’s me! *shoots M, other people, legs it*
Bond: *legs it after him, jumps up and roofs and runs and jumps and skids and ducks and dives and falls and scrapes his knee but then finds the guy when he rings the Bad Guy Bell on top of a church and they fall and then they get all caught up in ropes and they twist and tangle and just when it seems this fight scene is never going to end Bond eventually finds his gun and does a Cirque Du Soleil rope twist and kills the Random Bad Guy*
CUT TO: SOME ROOM, NOW MINUS HORSERACE OUTSIDE
M: Did you find him?
Bond: I thought….. Didn’t he shoot you?
M: You killed him, didn’t you?!
Bond: Shouldn’t we be taking you to a hospital or something? You’re, like, really old. And I’m pretty sure you’ve just been shot.
M: Why did you kill him when we could’ve interrogated him?
Bond: Well, I was gonna, but he kept hitting me, so…
M: Gah! You’re useless at not killing people. Now go interrogate this other suspect in Bolivia cos he has some useful information.
CUT TO: BOLIVIA
Bond: *kills the useful suspect in about five seconds*
M: *calls Bond* Did you find him?
Bond: There was, uh, a problem with the….
M: You killed him aswell, didn’t you?
Bond: …………….. Yes.
Bond: *goes sight seeing, sees Olga Kurylenko, follows her for a while*
Olga: Oh Mathieu Almarac, I can’t believe you tried to kill me.
Mathieu: I can’t believe you were stupid enough to come back here. But that’s fine, there’s this General guy I want to sell you to….. I mean, introduce you to.
Olga: Bastardo! *tries to kill him, but is “rescued” by Bond*
Bond: I saved you from having nothing to do in the climax.
Olga: Gracias. Now what do we do?
Bond: I don’t think we’ve spent enough time in Europe, lets go back there.
CUT TO: AUSTRIA, A GIANT EYE OPERA TO BE EXACT
M: Bond, where you at?
Bond: Austria. M, what’s with the giant eye opera?
M: Oh, its Tosca.
Bond/The Entire Audience: *look at the ground, shuffle feet*
M: Remember I mentioned earlier about bad similes?
Bond: Oh yeah.
M: This is another example of that. Except this time you actually have to look it up.
Bond/The Entire Audience: I’m not going to.
M: I know.
Bond: *uses his super stealth skillz of mobile phone usage to worm out all of the members of SPECTRE QUANTUM from the audience.*
Mathieu: Damn! My idea of getting us all to meet up in one large open area has been foiled! And after years of planning!
Bond: So you’re my nemesis!
Mathieu: For this movie, yes. Even though I am in no real way related to the death of Eva Green, and you probably should be focusing on Mr. White.
Bond: *gets chased by some guards to the unsettling epic sounds of Tosca, eventually grabs one to interrogate, and in an effort to get answers out of him, throws him off the roof*
CUT TO: ITALY, SOME SHIT AIRPORT
M: Bond, where you at?
Bond: Italy, I’m going to talk to that guy I said was a bad guy from the last film.
M: We have information you killed an armed guard that you could have interrogated. I’m getting mighty pissed off with you now.
Bond: *drives out to some nice villa, finds Mathis, who is unhappy to see him*
Mathis: You fuck off! Right now!
Mathis’ wife: If he hadn’t tortured you, we wouldn’t live in this beautiful, in the middle of fuck knows where villa.
Mathis: Good point. What do you want?
Bond: I need your help.
Mathis: Don’t you know that characters who show up this late in the movie are bound to die before this film is over?
Bond: Yes, but I’m willing to live with that.
Mathis: *helps Bond in some vague way, dies*
CUT TO: BOLIVIA AIRPORT
M: What happened to Mathis?
Bond: He’s dead.
M: Christ almighty. Okay, I’m going to send you this really hot agent who’s going to bring you home.
Bond: Don’t you know that characters who show up this late in the movie are bound to die before the film is over?
M: Yes, but I’m willing to live with that.
Hot Agent: *has sex with Bond, dies*
CUT TO: AIRPLANE
Bond: Before you even ask, she’s dead.
M: *hangs up*
Olga: What we doing up here?
Bond: Well, I figure that whatever Mathieu is up to, we can probably see it better from the air…..
Other Planes: *arrive, start shooting, and Bond ducks and dives and pivots and twists and turns and stalls and eventually jumps out of the plane with Olga and into a big ravine and just miss the big explosion and golly isn’t this all very exciting*
Olga: There’s no water down here.
Bond: Well then that’s it. Mathieu is stealing all the water.
Olga: Well, maybe there was just never any water down here.
Bond: No no no. I’ve made up my mind. He’s stealing water.
Olga: Okay, so now what?
Bond: Hey, you know who haven’t had a weird homoerotic conversation with yet?
CUT TO: CUBA
Jeffrey: Oooh, Bond, whats up, sexyass?
Bond: Let me just lean in a little bit closer here so we can talk in sexy hushed tones.
Jeffrey: Oooh, baby, you know what?
Bond: Whats that Chocolate Bear?
Jeffrey: As much as I’d love for you to….. stick around….
Bond: Tee hee.
Jeffrey: ….. You better get going. Cos the CIA are looking for you for all those people that only seem to have died in your company.
Bond: Why did I bother visiting you again?
Jeffrey: Oh yeah, I have sexy information.
Bond: Quick, hit me with your sexy knowledge.
Jeffrey: Bad guy Mathieu is staying at some totally hip sexy hotel that we should check into whenever you’re finished with all this madness.
CUT TO: SOME TOTALLY HIP SEXY CHILEAN HOTEL
General: I accept your offer of expensive water charges Mathieu, in to celebrate, I will rape this lovely waitress.
Lovely Waitress: Come again?
Bond: *exudes stealth by exploding half the hotel*
Mathieu: I bet that’s my Diving Bell And The Butterfly fans coming to get me for staring in this piece of- *sees Bond* -Oh, thank God, it’s only you.
Bond: Shall we fight in a manly manner?
Mathieu: Non! I will shriek and scream and scratch at your face with this axe that really shouldn’t be left lying around the place. RREEEERRRRREEEEEGH!
Olga: You killed me family in a fire. Now I will kill you. In a fire.
General: *dies in an inferno of irony*
Olga: Oh no, fire! I didn’t think this through! *collapses into a foetal ball of fiery based repression*
Mathieu: *manages to axe his own foot, but also manages to get away*
Bond: *fights fire with fire to fire a hole in the wall of fire to escape from the fire*
Mathieu: *gets driven by Bond to the middle of the desert*
Bond: Here’s some oil in case you get thirsty. Thanks for all the useful, really interesting information you gave me off screen. Laters.
Olga: We do sex now?
Bond: No. Which sucks.
CUT TO: AUSTRIA
Eva Green’s Ex Boyfriend: Bond, what you doing here?
Bond: I’m here….. to kill you.
CUT TO: OUTSIDE EVA GREEN’S EX BOYFRIEND’S APARTMENT
M: You killed him, didn’t you?
Bond: You thought I was going to kill him, but sent me in anyway?
M: He’s dead.
Bond: No, he’s not dead. He’s dead to me, but that’s about the extent of it. Oh, and by the way, Eva wasn’t a total slut faced bitch after all. Laters.