Sometimes I think that there is still some glimmer of hope in Hollywood in terms of originality. This slice of time usually occurs around the release of a Pixar movie and I feel all good inside. “Wow, toys coming to life! Wow, the last robot on Earth falls in love! Wow, a house flies away with balloons!”
But more often than not Hollywood shows what it really is; an all consuming entity of intelligence destroying, soul sapping evil. No book, play, video game, tv show, graphic novel, foreign film, old film, comic book, theme park ride or time in history is safe from it, and now, well……
I mean come on now, for seriously, Where’s Wally? Is this what has been hiding at the bottom of the barrel? Just when you thought you couldn’t scrap anything else up from the dredges, you found this, right next to your idea of making a film about that self-help book written by that 9 year old. I really hope it’s directed by the guy who made Inspector Gadget, in 3-D, with Wally played by that McLuvin’ kid, and maybe he can be friends with Eddie Murphy or Steve Martin or some other once great comedian who can’t find his way out of the kiddie’s flick section in the Fox backlot. That’d be awesome, wouldn’t it! Can you imagine it? Just two hours of this:
Except in 3-frickin’-D! Totallyawesomecool.
Does anyone have any idea why Amerie is not more famouser? She is a total rideface, slamming body, great voice, writes her own songs most of which are pretty good and get dancefloors filled, her albums have great production work, so why is it that she is in the doldrums most of the time?
Hopefully this is all about to change for her cos she’s changed record labels and her new album, In Love & War, has a list of famous music producers as long as my arm, and she’s already got some samples of her new stuff on rotation. First up is Why R U?, which is a pretty good mid-tempo infatuation song:
And then there’s Tell Me U Love Me, which harkins back to her love of dance trumpets:
Please Amerie, please get the attention that you deserve this time. And then she’ll realize that she got it because of me, because of my obvious love for her, and she’ll repay me by marrying me. Or giving me loads of moneys. I’m fine either way.
While talking with one of my friends about Spencer Pratt and how much of a douche he is, a realisation came over me. And when I say realisation, I mean I was looking at the tv and noticed something. It was that FallOut Boy song that isn’t very good and everyone is wearing Mission: Impossible false faces and someone takes theirs off and its Spencer Pratt. Kevin Federline worked his way up from being a back up dancer to a “celebrity” in his own right, whereas Pratt seems to be working his way up to being a back up dancer for big black rappers that I’ve never heard of.
I mean, sure, Kevin Casey (who, if you Wikipedia-search him, comes up as the Michael J Fox character in Scrubs) looks pretty tough and could probably pummel nancy-boy rappers into the pavement, but he’s still entirely unknown, and his first single is called No Surrender 2. Huh? Have I missed something? And it’s to be continued? The story to this video is that you like kicking people in the face and dancing with dudes in the desert. Is there some cliffhanger plot-point that I’ve completely missed out on here?
But also makes hints that she may, in fact, be heavenly also. Even though it feels like only yesterday when Mariah dropped E=MC2 on us all, its actually been over a year. A whole year of disappointingly underachieving singles, not-enough-news-coverage shock weddings and entire Eminem hate songs. Whats a girl to do to get more press? Well, whip out some more songs, of course. The-Dream, who wrote/produced Touch My Body for Carey, had this to say about her upcoming album:
I think it’s about just writing an album that includes the focus of all the hits that she’s had. She can’t take a loss; she has to do everything to the T. So it’s basically like we’re trying to make a greatest hits album without using the greatest hits.
Interesting. So what you’re saying is, she wants an album full of hit singles. What an original take of musical output. Obviously they’re both geniuses. But along with The-Dream, Mariah has worked with Tricky Stewart (Umbrella, Single Ladies), Jermaine Dupri (who already gave Mariah the singles It’s Like That and Don’t Forget About Us), Brian Michael Cox (who already gave Mariah We Belong Together and Get Your Number) and Timbaland. She’s also doing a cover of Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is.” So, she’s working with the biggest hit producers of today, and the producers who’ve given her the biggest hits to date, not to mention covering one of the biggest power ballads of all time. I tell you, Mariah is the Stephen Hawkins of R’n’B. And then you find out what she’s calling her new album.
Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel. Ugh.
So, 25 years after the original, but set 9 years from now, it’s finally here, the film that everyone was looking forward to, but expecting to be kinda pants. Pre-word was the defintion of mixed bag; Christian Bale? Hoorah! McG? Boooo! From the writer of The Dark Knight? Hoorah! But also from the writer of Catwoman? Boooo! And on and on and on…… But now it’s finally here, is it any good? Yes. And no. This will be the Marmite Film Of The Year, there will be no middle ground.
Perhaps the reason for this is because it doesn’t really feel like a Terminator film in any real way. Yes, the robots are the same and John Connor is running about the place, but this doesn’t feel like the flash-forwards from the first three movies. Back then, the year 2018 seemed to be constantly set at night, with both humans and robots are constant war with each other, with lasers and the like lighting up the perma-dark sky. But now, 2018 is set mostly during the day (as the robots have infra-red night-vision, just one of the many off the cuff remarks that will lead to many a fan-boy screaming at the screen), there are no lasers to speak of as everything seems to have weird retro-steam-punk feel to it, and there is no war. Well, there is a war, but not one we see on screen. More often that not, we only ever see one robot on screen at any one time, not the masses of machinery that James Cameron had envision decades ago.
The movie doesn’t feel like a Terminator movie, it feels like a post-apocalyptic zombie movie, except they have guns and the ability to use them properly. And for a movie that involves time-travelling robots, everyone in it is acting like they’re in Apocalypse Now 2; Nuclear Bugaloo. Christian Bale brings the same deep throat gravel acting that he had in the Batman movies, with the weight of the world on his shoulders, whether the world believes him or not. Bryce Dallas Howard shows up to do nothing more than be pregnant (which isn’t mentioned once!), Moon Bloodgood is hot and spunky but is essentially little more than a walking Deus Ex Machina, and Helena Bonham Carter jarrs the audience with her tops-and-tails appearances in the movie, but thats all I’m gonna say about that. Michael Ironside and Common are both there to remind us that The Robots Are Bad, in case anyone needed reminding .On the plus side is Sam Worthington and Anton Yelchin, as Marcus Wright and Kyle Reece respectively, and both bring enough charisma and gravitas to their roles to make them work exceptionally well.
But they’re all pretty much background dressing to what people really came here to see; Explosions and Robots and Exploding Robots, and director McG does a fine job at handling the action portion of the movie. When the movie does stop trying to exposition itself to death, the pulse does quicken and you do find yourself sliding ever so slightly towards the edge of the seat. There are even some cool Children Of Men-esque one shot scenes which looked very difficult to do, including one near the start of the film with Bale trying to safely land a helicopter. Upside down. But another problem arises, in that the film’s best and most exciting action sequence arrives around the 45 minute mark, at which point there’s nothing left to do but slowly let the next hour never reach that pinnacle of excitement again.
There are a few great things that happen that I won’t ruin for you here because they might make the movie for you, and there are a few terribly bad things that happen that I also won’t mention here because they might ruin the movie for you. Preconceptions are a terrible thing; and thats what this movie is loaded with. In my mind its the first movie that is a sequel but also a prequel. Events are yet to happen in time, but we already know whats going to happen, which kinda sucks the suspense out of it. There’s also the fact that anyone who’s seen the first two (or three, depending on how much you hated the third and don’t mind me mentioning it here) and seen the flash-forwards and thought “Wow, a movie set just in the future like those scenes would be so awesome” and this is that movie, and it’s not all that awesome. You could blame the director of the Charlies Angels saga for ruining it, or the muddled writing time, or a million other things, but in the end, the blame falls squarely at the feet of Terminator and Terminator 2. In that respect this movie reminds me alot of The Matrix Revloutions, for reasons other than just critical which you’ll understand after you see Terminator Salvation, but for now it’s this point; yes, its not as good as the first two, and yes, it is a major disappointment which may cause you to hate it by comparison, but look at it this way, if the first two never existed for you to contrast it against, then this movie might’ve had a chance of being pretty good. So after all my take of Love It or Hate It, here goes……
Rating; Six out of Ten.
Here goes, the first official look at the new Twilight movie poster:
Ooh, the moodiness. Being a fan of literature, I can proudly say that I’ve never read a single Twilight book, but then I’m probably not their ideal audience, since I’m not looking to hook up with any 14 year olds in the near future. But having seen the first film (through laugh induced tears) and from this poster, I’m gonna assume that stuff isn’t working out with the Vampire dude, but the Werewolf dude has been working out, so the chick is all like “Hot damn!”, right? Am I right? I’m so right. Also, “The Twilight Saga“? Jesus, take a chill pill. Its based on 4 books for sexless teenagers, not on The Torah. But on the upside, this poster is alot more subtle than their original idea.
Ugh….. Homoerotic much?
While in Cannes this week promoting her new film, someone from ITN got a few seconds alone with Paris’ attention and asked her how she felt about the whole Jordan/Peter Andre break-up. Why anyone would think that Paris would know anything about Jordan or Peter Andre is beyond me, but in this case, their instincts turned up a winner, as Paris was able to respond… in a typically Paris-ian way.
Interviewer: Paris, any thoughts on the Jordan and Peter break up?
Paris: I’m not sad. I don’t know him. I know her, she’s cute so hopefully she’ll like being single.
Interviewer: Do you think she’ll cope during the break up?
Paris: Yeah! She can rock it!
Hmmm. I have the very strong impression that she has no idea what the interviewer was asking her. But then she was probably preoccupied with the critical reaction to her movie. And, unlike her previous movie “efforts” like House Of Wax or The Hottie & The Nottie, this is a serious film. A documentary no less. But, exactly like her previous movie “efforts”, it’s all about her. The film is called Paris, Not France and is all about the difficulties of being an attractive mid-twenties heir to billions, and is filled with honest truths like “People see me as a Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy… maybe that’s what they like” and “There’s a mystery about me because how I am in public is completely different to how I am in private.”
Not so sure about that, Par. Most people like to have sex in private, whereas your sex can be accessed to be anyone with a wi-fi connection. But that infamous moment in her life is dealt with to: “It’s the most intimate thing you can do and the whole f***ing world is watching it and laughing at you. That’s not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It’s not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.” Yeah, because everyone was really getting a sense of Diana deja-vu from you with the half-naked red carpet appearances, dodgy r’n’b albums, crappy reality tv shows, DUI charges and stints behind bars. It was only when the sex-tape was leaked that we realised there were some differences in you two after all.
“What’s that sound?”
Why, its the sound of you being bitch-slapped in court. I’ve always said that JT just had it too good. Rich, good-looking, talented, actor, singer, dancer, producer, Britney Spears in her prime, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Biel. There’s just so much to hate about him. But it looks like Karma has finally had a look at it’s To-Do pile and got to work this weekend.
Alison McDaniel has filed a sexual harassment suit against Timberlake and his business partners Eytan Sugarman and Ronnie Kaplan, stating they are guilty of “vile and discriminatory conduct.” McDaniel, 29, said her job as general manager became an X-rated nightmare in which she was spit on, pelted with expletives and subjected to porn. “In at least one instance, defendants Sugarman and Kaplan viewed … pornography while in a locked room with McDaniel and made fun of her when she began crying,” the suit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court claims. McDaniel, who worked at the Timberlake’s Second Ave. restaurant for a year, was fired after she wrote a memo complaining of the harassment, the suit claims.
Uh-Oh! None of that is good. I really, really hope that she gets millions and millions of dollars and deflates his sails so he doesn’t think he can produce his next album all on his own and goes running back to Timbaland so we can get an album full of SexyBack 2.0’s, because then everyone would be happy. Especially me. And isn’t thats what’s most important? That I get what I want? I seem to think so.
Yes. I’m afraid so.
Even though it feels like only yesterday that we winced our way through Hugh Jackson’s hosting duties, already Hollywood is gearing up for next year’s front runners. Here’s some trailers for said runners up front.
First up, The Road:
As anyone who has read the book (one of the best works of fiction in the last decade) can attest to, there isn’t a whole lot in the trailer that seems to relate to the source novel. The trailer would have you believe that this is a po-faced version of The Day After Tomorrow, which couldn’t really be any further from the truth. Also, the character of The Wife is mentioned maybe twice, but here, played by Charlize Theron, seems to be popping up all over the place. But I suppose there’s no point in hiring a Charlize Theron if you’re not going to use a Charlize Theron. I just hope that this is a case of the distributors trying to sell it to the masses by making it look all blockbuster-y, instead of just making it all blockbuster-y.
And, on the opposite end of the depression scale, we have Nine:
Daniel Day Lewis is having trouble because his personal and professional lives keep clashing, mainly down to the women in those lives. Those women consist of Nicole Kidman, Penelope Cruz, Kate Hudson, Judi Dench, Marion Cottilard, Sophia Loren, Stacey Ferguson (Fergie Ferg!) amoung others. What I’m feeling for DDY right now is not sympathy. Its not even close to sympathy. Except for when it comes to Fergie Ferg, just check out the trailer at the 1.20 mark. BAH!
Right now, in Cannes, is a “friend” of mine. Why with the rabbit fingers? Well, I don’t think you’re supposed to hate your friends quite so much as I hate this friend. Why do I hate this friend? Because he’s in Cannes, you dimwit! Do try to keep up. Anyways, amidst all the poor cinematique artistes and rich Hollywood gloryhounds he managed to take this photo of what looks like a French magazine cover:
On the left is my personal Number One Infatuation, Monica Bellucci. There are no words in the English language that can properly convey my undying love for her. And here she is touching boobies with Sophie Marceau (the hottie queen from Braveheart, and she was even hot with half an ear in The World Is Not Enough, thats a good hottie litmus test; does she have half an ear? is she still hot? then she’s a hottie.) Anyways, yes, there topless together. I even had the title “Les Audacieuses” translated. It means “The Bold” and not “We want Rory in the middle” like I’d hoped.