If I had any real interest in The Jonas Brothers I’m sure this video would be like ohmygodtotallyfunnyandhotandsexyandfunnyandstuff but seeing as I really am just aware of their existence I can see it for what it really is. A video to plug their new album. And it is pretty funny. But then it is the kind of thing that you can see happening at drunken parties everywhere, just no-one has the inclination to have it happen in some kind of studio and to add an effect or two. But the main thing is that drink would be involved. The Jo Bro’s dont get drunk do they? Hmmmm.
That’s right. I said it. You’re all weird, the lot of ya. I know cinema is like a religion to you, but I mean seriously now:
Wasn’t this already a film? Wasn’t it called The Hand That Rocked The Cradle? And wasn’t it good? So why remake it, rename it, and recast it with WonderDiva, that hairlip chick from Heroes and…… I’m sorry, just who the hell is that guy that they’re all fighting over? Idris Elba, I’ve never heard of you, and you’re not exactly Taye Diggs, so whats the big deal? Also, the trailer is epic in length, and I’m pretty sure it gives away the entire film. Also, Jerry O’Connell? Just where the fudge have you been hiding?
Anyways, the point I’m trying to make; this film is currently number one in the U.S. box office, having made over $28 million since friday. It made more money than that shit Zac Efron movie, or that shit Channing Tatum movie. Even though it itself looks like all kinds of shit. Is that what’s in now? Is shit whats hot? I just don’t understand the world anymore.
I am genuinely disturbed by this image that captures a moment in the madness of Sasha Fierce/Queen B/Beyonce/Schizo’s concert. I realise that it’s all comic book inspired and blah blah but look at the all-in-one mask/rubber body suit combo?! And her big huge crotch shield?
It’s safe sex gone mad I tells ya!!
WTF was anyone thinking when they decided to make Beyonce into an actual vase with this dress? She looks in so much pain but of course Wonder Diva/Sasha Fierce/Beyonce couldn’t let the pain shine through. She’s probably channeling the whole inner strength thing just in case she does get the Wonder Woman role.
Seriously, I know a diva has to promote her new single with that extra pop but this dress looks like it took a team of minions three days to get her into it. She could rest shit on her hips! I mean what the hell is going on under there? Some kind of horrible corset/Spanx hybrid methinks. This is some “The Young Victoria” shit here and frankly it doesn’t bear thinking about.
I remember the first time I heard this song, I was all like “Ooooh Shiiiiiiit! That beat is sick!”:
Using words as a rhythm line isn’t exactly 100% original (listen to Missy’s Pass That Dutch for further evidence), but it was never quite used to such a fantastic effect as it was in Lil’ Waynes A Milli. It was by far my favourite song on Tha Carter III, so I investigated and found it was produced by this hip-hop guy called Bangladesh, so I decided to keep a close eye on what he did next. Then I found out he was working on Beyonce’s new album:
In Diva, the same repeat-word trick is used, but it still all good, as it was a slight enough difference to make it still an awesome, easy-to-pose/dance-to track. But I was sure this wasn’t the only trick Mr. Bangladesh had up his sleeve. Then I heard he had “discovered” some new artist name Chrishan, and was working with him on his debut album, and that the inital single I’m Making Money had already been released:
Either Bangladesh is trying to make stuttering sexy, or he ran out of production ideas about 3 days into his career as a music maker. Most people who dislike R’n’B/Hip-Hop try to make the argument that it all kinda sounds vaguely the same, an argument that most fans of the genre would hastily disagree with. But now they have an argument that even the staunch lovers of Lil’ Wayne and Beyonce can’t argue against. Thanks alot, Bangladesh! You’ve ruined it for everyone!
You like the girl fight? You hoping we’re gonna be talking about Megan Fox and Adrianna Lima fighting in a room full of feathers and jelly while Alessandra Ambrosio referees? Well sorry to disappoint the hot blooded males out there, if any of you even read this, but this is strictly for the b****s amongst us. It’s a diva fight! Etta James has finally lost it, and in a big way, about Beyonce. This is Etta James:
Beyonce played the legend that is Etta in Cadillac Records and she sang At Last for the Obama’s first dance and it seems that this was the last straw for Etta. She lost it in a kind of Britney Spear/Christian Bale/Ashton Kutcher hybrid way and said: “You guys know your president, right? You know the one with the big ears? Wait a minute, he ain’t my president, he might be yours, he ain’t my president. You know that woman he had singing for him, singing my song — she’s gonna get her ass whipped. The great Beyoncé … But I can’t stand Beyoncé. She has no business up there, singing up there on a big ol’ president day … singing my song that I’ve been singing forever.”
I seriously doubt Bey Bey is bothered but you can’t beat a slice of crazy diva with a sprinkling of old on top to start a good cat fight! *Ding Ding Ding* bring on round 2!!
Over the Christmas week, everybody knew who would be taking number one in the UK Singles Chart, but what was happening state side? The closest thing they have to a singles chart is the Billboard Hot 100 Chart. So, lets take a look see at what the Top Ten looked like when Santy was coming down our chimneys:
1. Beyonce “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”
2. Lady Gaga featuring Colby O’Dennis “Just Dance”
3. T.I. featuring Rihanna “Live Your Life”
4. Kanye West “Heartless”
5. Katy Perry “Hot ‘N’ Cold”
6. Britney Spears “Womanizer”
7. Kanye West “Love Lockdown”
8. T.I. “Whatever You Like”
9. Beyonce “If I Were A Boy”
10. Britney Spears “Circus”
Just so’s we’re clear, only TWO artists in the above list didn’t have TWO songs in the top 10. I know the UK charts had the same song in the top ten twice, but this is getting ri-god damned-diculous! I’d almost feel bad for the two chicks who didn’t manage to land a second top ten, but then when you realise just how long ago Katy Perry (September 4th) and Lady GaGa (April 8th!!!) released those singles, that sympathetic emotion soon fucks off.
And just in case you’re thinking maybe the top that particular week is just a bad example, you’re wrong. A quick perusal through the top fifty shows Pink, Taylor Swift, Ludacris, Akon and Ne-Yo on it twice, Rihanna three times, T-Pain four times and Lil’ Wayne no less than SIX TIMES!
Its a sad state of affairs, I tells ya. And its only going to get worse; Timbaland’s Shock Value 2 is out on February 14th. Don’t say we didn’t warn you.
I guess, to an extent, we should all blame Eminem. Or perhaps Prince? But lets focus and say Eminem for now. Not content like the rest of us to have but one monicker, he had to go and copyright Eminem, Marshal Mathers and Slim Shady. So I guess its his fault that we are now under threat of dealing with two or more versions of every celebrity we know.
Beyonce broke new ground by refering to herself as Sasha Fierce whenever she’s in Single Ladies mode, or just play old Beyonce whenever she thinks about If I Were A Boy. To the untrained eye, there’s very little difference between the two characters, so here goes nothing. This, I’m guessing, is Beyonce:
Demure, friendly, approachable. The kind of celebrity who will hold your hand on the final of X-Factor instead of slapping you with it and screaming at you to get a hold of yourself, there’s millions of people watching! Nice lady.
So then this must be Miss Fierce:
Crazy hair, dancing like a crazed epileptic of her meds, screams at her clothes designer mama “Less! Less you Bitch, LESSSS!” but doesn’t listen when her mama tries to explain that she seems to be married to a black goldfish. Crazy lady.
And we all thought that might be the end of it. But no. Perhaps in retaliation of the blatant ripoff of her own song Like A Boy, or perhaps a publicity stunt at her own TRIPLE-ALBUM due to release in February (fuck you and your double album, B!), Ciara seems to have come out with all bi-polar guns blazing. Everyone who knows Ciara knows she is hot and flexible and seems to look amazing every second of every day:
But now she has come up with an alter-ego of her own, the not very imaginatively titled Super C!:
She’s got DC Comics artist Bernard Chang to do the album art work for her, so she’s really going all out on this one. But, on the plus side, she’s got some amazing producers doing songs on it for her, including Tricky Stewart (Rihanna’s Umbrella, Beyonce’s Single Ladies), Danja (Britney’s Gimme More, Pink’s Sober), The Clutch (Omarion’s Ice Box, Timbaland’s The Way I Are), Sean Garrett (Destinys Child’s Lose My Breath, Pussycat Dolls’ Buttonz), Polow Da Don (Fergie’s London Bridge, Chris Brown’s Forever), and more like Darchild, T-Pain, Ne-Yo, Scott Storch, Bloodshy & Avant and Justin Timberlake. And, if that weren’t awesome enough, here’s the first video single release for a song called Go Girl:
And and, if that weren’t enough, a first taste of a future single, and my favourite song I’ve heard in 2008, Echo:
Yes, you’re very welcome.
Yeah that’s right, there’s a hot new Latina on the scene so I think it’s time Nelly Furtado finally gave up. And maybe admit that she’s an irritating semi-talent, who would be spending her days working in the local supermarket and plucking her eyebrows to within an inch of their life were it not for the pity of Mr Career Saver himself, Timbaland. Ok maybe that particular confession won’t happen anytime soon.
Anyway, this clip appeared on youtube lately and is of a girl called Arianna shakin’ what her mama (only very recently) gave her to Beyonce “Single Ladies.”
It was when I seen the first photo from the video shoot of her new single Diva (which is an awesome song, by the way) that I noticed something was up with Miss Knowles/Mrs. Z:
What’s up with the metallic approach to everything? Kanye West and Calvin Harris both took the stupid glasses route, but both ended it pretty quickly too:
So I thought maybe she would grow out of this too. But then I noticed something else:
It’s almost as if she’s asking the audience for help. “Eh…. WTF is this metallic fungus on my finger? Should I keep dancing or should I seek medical assistance or what?” But, if we remember the Single Ladies video:
It’s all over her whole hand! Gasp! This doesn’t bode particularly well for Beyonce. Its kinda like Doctor Doom from The Fantastic Four, but also kinda like how the movie Akira ended. And in case you haven’t seen Akira, let me tell you how it ends: Not Well.