Spencer Pratt Something Something Douche

While talking with one of my friends about Spencer Pratt and how much of a douche he is, a realisation came over me. And when I say realisation, I mean I was looking at the tv and noticed something. It was that FallOut Boy song that isn’t very good and everyone is wearing Mission: Impossible false faces and someone takes theirs off and its Spencer Pratt. Kevin Federline worked his way up from being a back up dancer to a “celebrity” in his own right, whereas Pratt seems to be working his way up to being a back up dancer for big black rappers that I’ve never heard of.

I mean, sure, Kevin Casey (who, if you Wikipedia-search him, comes up as the Michael J Fox character in Scrubs) looks pretty tough and could probably pummel nancy-boy rappers into the pavement, but he’s still entirely unknown, and his first single is called No Surrender 2. Huh? Have I missed something? And it’s to be continued? The story to this video is that you like kicking people in the face and dancing with dudes in the desert. Is there some cliffhanger plot-point that I’ve completely missed out on here?

May 22, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. 1 comment.

Oh. Dear. God.

grimnessI swear to god this photo just almost made me lose my breakfast.  Paris Hilton is a menace!  She looks like she’s about to lick his entire face.  It’s like a kiss from Date Movie, I mean that shit is embarrassing.  I may never kiss another living soul again because that image there is burned onto my retinas for life.  But maybe Doug is into the kiss of an overenthusiastic Golden Retriever? Not judging by this pic:

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He has the body language of soemone standing at the top of stairs about to fall off, trying to direct his lower body backwards knowing that it’s pointless cos his ass is falling all the way down. Down her oesophagus by the looks of it. And she is not letting his ass go either *note the “tender” hands-clamped-around-face gesture.  Doug seems to mention the uncoolness of her assault on his face and attempt to start what may never have been started before in the history of their relationship – a conversation, but she’s not bothered:

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She’s ready for Round 2.  You gotta feel for that guy in the foreground of the photo who has obviously witnessed it all first hand. He has that dead look in his eyes of a man who has been broken by what he has seen.

May 22, 2009. Tags: , , , , . douch alert, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. 2 comments.

Hope for us all

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It’s been a while since Ms.Port has made an appearance on this ‘ere blog so here she is, getting the Dodgers v Mets game started.  I’m sure that has much more significance than I can imagine/care about, but the real reason that I bothered mentioning this is because Whitney threw the ball to her brother.  And the reason Whitney looks like she half knows what she’s doing is because Whitney used to play softball as a kid.  Which brings us to the real reason she is mentioned here today:

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I could look at this picture all day and take comfort.  Look at all those freckles! Where have they gone to now Whit? I miss them.

May 21, 2009. Tags: , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

The Lady & The Tramp

SPL99901_001It was while staring at this photo with the utmost contempt that I got to thinking; why do we hate these two so much? I mean, yes, they played the villians in a t.v. show, but isn’t it all very faux-real? Karen in Will & Grace was a total bitch, but people still loved her, so why with all the hate for these two? Are they so good at their jobs that the hate for them has spread into The Real World. Maybe, but I think it may just be because these two are such total douches in The Real World anyways. Spencer is a lost cause (just look at his Wiki-page, all three lines of it), but Heidi, WTF?

Trying to get her music career off the ground since The Hills is about to die a death and everyone has jumped overboard or clambered on to a “reality” series of their own, Heidi announced “I am working on my album right now. The sound is going to be very fun, fresh, sexy. It will be the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie. I grew up dancing so there also will be a lot of performing. And a lot of my songs will be very sexual.” Eh… Great?

Her first single, (click on the song titles to hear them) Body Language had Spencer doing a rap on it (the equivalent of Britney getting K-Fed to ruin Gimme More), then there was Higher with a video shot by Spencer. Then there was Dramatic which Heidi said was a duet with Britney, which was a surprise to Britney, cos she had no recollection of recording with Heidi, and to this date, claims Heidi illegally recorded her vocals from previous Britney songs. Then there was Fashion, which had Heidi all excited because Ugly Betty wanted to use it in one of their episodes, but then they decided they preferred the Lady Gaga version, so they used that one instead. So thats none for five, so far. But then she finally hired a proper producer/songwriter, in the form of Cathy Dennis, she who what wrote Can’t Get You Out Of My Head for Kylie and I Kissed A Girl for Katy Perry, so this was a smart decision. The result is Black Out, which is just as bad, if not worse, than all the songs she’s released so far.

All I can safely assume is that Heidi Montag is a walking, breathing version of the Large Hadron Collider, a black hole where all talent will be sucked into. Intriguing, non?

May 13, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Is This Too Easy?

There are opportunities in the world of celebrities to use our comedic brains to come up with something funny about something a famous person did or said and everyone laughs at them and they get to continue to count their money and everyone is happy. But then there are those in the world of fame that just… they just… I mean, seriously now…

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Yes, we get it, you’re both whores. You’re whore-ish to the media and your whore-isms escalate when attention is deviated from you, but come on now. Swine Flu has actually killed people, and instead of being sensitive, you go around, parading through Los Angeles airport, doing kissy faces, thinking its so funny reinacting that scene from Outbreak where the two people who masks on kiss. Well, in that scene, those people ended up DEAD! Any money they’re in the airport cos they’ve just come back from Mexico, standing on the graves of the flu victims, screaming “You are El-Deado! We are El-Richo and El-Famouso!”

Either that or they have their masks on so they don’t infect each other with their own viral strains of self-importance. Which, to be honest, is reason enough for everyone else in The Hills to start wearing them, too.

April 30, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, oh sweet jesus, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

The Greatest Line-Up Ever!

dog-bounty-hunter-tv-12Sometimes I’m A Celebrity…… Get Me Out Of Here gets it very wrong. And sometimes they get it very right. But, most years, they get it very wrong and very right, and this year is no exception. Aside from the insane/genius inclusion of Dog The Bounty Hunter, there is also Janice Dickenson, Geraldo Rivera (although that’s just a rumour for now), not to mention the fantastic addition of Heidi and Spencer from The Hills! How awesome is that.

But the only other addition so far confirmed (and by confirmed, I mean rumoured) is someone called Rod Blagojevich. Who?, cry the masses. No, its not a football club owner like I had originally guessed, but is in fact a politician who was Govenor Of Illinois from 2003 to 2009. So what makes him a “celebrity”? Well, Blagojevich was arrested on federal corruption charges December 9, 2008. The charges involved conspiracy to commit mail and wire fraud and solicitation of bribery. Nice work, Nixon 2.0! Although it just seems like someone who Dog will end up hunting down through the forest, being really mean to, and then helping him find god and redemption in the back of his truck on the way to the nearest police station.

April 19, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Lauren Is Gone To The Dogs

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Poor, poor Lauren. Everyone else is moving on to bigger better other things, but with The Hills set to end at the end of this season, what has she got? Audrina has moved on to showing off her rad-bod in swimming movies and horror movies, Whitney has The City, Brody has Bromance, even Heidi has her “singing career”, but what of poor Lauren?

Well, none other than modern tv’s hero Seth McFarlane has got in contact with her to do a guest voice spot on Family Guy, in an episode set to air May 3rd, where she will play….. herself. In a love triangle with Brian and someone else who hasn’t been named for either secretive or forgetful reasons, but I’m hoping that its not Stewie, cos he is a baby, and that would be gross. (but dating a grown up dog, thats fine)

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But while this voice spot may very well be the biggest acting stretch since Eminem in 8 Mile, the upside is that the animators should have a nice and easy time of it. I can’t imagine drawing a still image of Lauren and Brian staring at each other silently while Natasha Bedingfield plays over the background is exactly time consuming.

April 13, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . funny, hot hotness, oh sweet jesus, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Paris Has A Brother?!

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Why didn’t anyone tell me that that there was more Hiltons in the world? And here’s my thinking that Paris and Nicky were enough, I had no idea they had a brother! And his name is Barron, no less! How awesome is that? Well, Barron (I’m sorry, really? Barron?) recently gave an interview to The New York Post and by golly is he ever sick of being referred to as a Hilton:

“I’m sick of all the Hilton stuff, where all anyone cared about was whether I was doing coke in the bathroom or how many [bleeps] I was sleeping with. I’m done with partying and traveling. It’s time to get this [bleep] started.”

Firstly, does anyone have any idea what he might’ve said to cause the first bleep? Bitches? Hoes? Something much, much worse that rhymes with Runts? Maybe if he doesn’t want to get a bad name for himself, he shouldn’t be giving interviews to national papers and require so many bleeps. Just a thought. But he has a different plan to get proper recognition for himself.

“It’s gonna be like The Hills (did he just say the hills ins’t real?! – ed) but real. A lot of that stuff is pre-setup or re-setup. This is gonna show the meetings, the production side, the recording side . . . I just want people to say, ‘Wow, this song really moved me, or made me cry.”

The songs he’s referring to are the one’s he’s recoring at his New York penthouse apartment, songs that as of yet are to get any music labels drooling to sign him. So, in summation, Barron Hilton wants to distance himself from the preconceptions of the Hilton name by giving sweary interviews, doing a reality t.v. show, and getting a music career. These are all great ideas, non? What else should he do? Maybe get involved in some DUI’s? Oops, too late.

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Thats his mugshot after being arrested for DUI and running over some poor gas station attendant. So far, so good, Barron.

April 4, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, music, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Hands up who saw this coming?

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Lauren recently announced that she was quiting The Hills after years of basically living two seperate lives, and now it would appear that another source of her income is disappearing as well.

Her clothing line which was at best mediocre and certainly over-priced has been put on hold apparantly after poor sales as a result of the current economic climate. Hmmm. Not sure about that one. According to Lauren, she is going to “revamp her line and design with more high-end fabrics… things she couldn’t do the first time around. With everything going on in the economy and in her life, she wants to rework her line and offerings.” 

So what she’s saying is that her clothing line couldn’t succeed before this, at the height of her fame, because the fabric and design quality wasn’t good enough and they were too expensive.  So she’s going to use more expensive fabrics and make a new line.  And what? Charge more? Charge the same? But she’s not making money as it is?  And she’ll be off our screens so she’ll drift to C List celebrity.  I dunno, this reeks of “quit while you’re ahead”.  We don’t want the lovely Lauren going broke and having to resort to odd medical endorsement deals a la Lo Bosworth now do we? “Let’s talk TenaLady incontinance pads with me, Lauren Conrad”. Just plain wrong.

March 23, 2009. Tags: , , , , . hollywood gossip, hot hotness, random, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Audrina Makes Good Career Choices

The Most Normal Girl On The Hills has moved on from the acting requirements of long silences to this new horror movie Sorority Row, but looks like it should’ve been called I Know What You Did Last Prom Night.

But as you can see from the trailer, she gets killed off pretty early on (or does she? I don’t care either way), so thats a plus, cos now she can focus on promoting the direct-to-dvd release of Into The Blue 2 and then getting written of the next season of The Hills only to start her own reality show produced by the guy who what created The Apprentice and Survivor. All hail Bobfac Butterface and her slow domination of the world. Up next? An album produced by Scott Storch? Please yes, what with after all the great music he did for Paris Hilton and Brooke Hogan, I don’t see how that’s not the greatest idea ever.

March 21, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . funny, hot hotness, movies, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

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