Big Screen Wally

Sometimes I think that there is still some glimmer of hope in Hollywood in terms of originality. This slice of time usually occurs around the release of a Pixar movie and I feel all good inside. “Wow, toys coming to life! Wow, the last robot on Earth falls in love! Wow, a house flies away with balloons!”

But more often than not Hollywood shows what it really is; an all consuming entity of intelligence destroying, soul sapping evil. No book, play, video game, tv show, graphic novel, foreign film, old film, comic book, theme park ride or time in history is safe from it, and now, well……

WheresWaldo

I mean come on now, for seriously, Where’s Wally? Is this what has been hiding at the bottom of the barrel? Just when you thought you couldn’t scrap anything else up from the dredges, you found this, right next to your idea of making a film about that self-help book written by that 9 year old. I really hope it’s directed by the guy who made Inspector Gadget, in 3-D, with Wally played by that McLuvin’ kid, and maybe he can be friends with Eddie Murphy or Steve Martin or some other once great comedian who can’t find his way out of the kiddie’s flick section in the Fox backlot. That’d be awesome, wouldn’t it! Can you imagine it? Just two hours of this:

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Except in 3-frickin’-D! Totallyawesomecool.

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June 5, 2009. Tags: , , , , . douch alert, funny, Is that really necessary?, movies, oh sweet jesus. Leave a comment.

Beyonce/Sasha Fierce/Joe Jonas

If I had any real interest in The Jonas Brothers I’m sure this video would be like ohmygodtotallyfunnyandhotandsexyandfunnyandstuff but seeing as I really am just aware of their existence I can see it for what it really is.  A video to plug their new album.  And it is pretty funny.  But then it is the kind of thing that you can see happening at drunken parties everywhere, just no-one has the inclination to have it happen in some kind of studio and to add an effect or two.  But the main thing is that drink would be involved. The Jo Bro’s dont get drunk do they? Hmmmm.

June 4, 2009. Tags: , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, Is that really necessary?, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random, tv. 1 comment.

Spencer Pratt Something Something Douche

While talking with one of my friends about Spencer Pratt and how much of a douche he is, a realisation came over me. And when I say realisation, I mean I was looking at the tv and noticed something. It was that FallOut Boy song that isn’t very good and everyone is wearing Mission: Impossible false faces and someone takes theirs off and its Spencer Pratt. Kevin Federline worked his way up from being a back up dancer to a “celebrity” in his own right, whereas Pratt seems to be working his way up to being a back up dancer for big black rappers that I’ve never heard of.

I mean, sure, Kevin Casey (who, if you Wikipedia-search him, comes up as the Michael J Fox character in Scrubs) looks pretty tough and could probably pummel nancy-boy rappers into the pavement, but he’s still entirely unknown, and his first single is called No Surrender 2. Huh? Have I missed something? And it’s to be continued? The story to this video is that you like kicking people in the face and dancing with dudes in the desert. Is there some cliffhanger plot-point that I’ve completely missed out on here?

May 22, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. 1 comment.

Mariah Admits To Imperfection

6a00d83451b46869e200e54f5064888834-640wiBut also makes hints that she may, in fact, be heavenly also. Even though it feels like only yesterday when Mariah dropped E=MC2 on us all, its actually been over a year. A whole year of disappointingly underachieving singles, not-enough-news-coverage shock weddings and entire Eminem hate songs. Whats a girl to do to get more press? Well, whip out some more songs, of course. The-Dream, who wrote/produced Touch My Body for Carey, had this to say about her upcoming album:

I think it’s about just writing an album that includes the focus of all the hits that she’s had. She can’t take a loss; she has to do everything to the T. So it’s basically like we’re trying to make a greatest hits album without using the greatest hits.

Interesting. So what you’re saying is, she wants an album full of hit singles. What an original take of musical output. Obviously they’re both geniuses. But along with The-Dream, Mariah has worked with Tricky Stewart (Umbrella, Single Ladies), Jermaine Dupri (who already gave Mariah the singles It’s Like That and Don’t Forget About Us), Brian Michael Cox (who already gave Mariah We Belong Together and Get Your Number) and Timbaland. She’s also doing a cover of Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is.” So, she’s working with the biggest hit producers of today, and the producers who’ve given her the biggest hits to date, not to mention covering one of the biggest power ballads of all time. I tell you, Mariah is the Stephen Hawkins of R’n’B. And then you find out what she’s calling her new album.

Memoirs Of An Imperfect Angel. Ugh.

May 22, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, music. Leave a comment.

Oh. Dear. God.

grimnessI swear to god this photo just almost made me lose my breakfast.  Paris Hilton is a menace!  She looks like she’s about to lick his entire face.  It’s like a kiss from Date Movie, I mean that shit is embarrassing.  I may never kiss another living soul again because that image there is burned onto my retinas for life.  But maybe Doug is into the kiss of an overenthusiastic Golden Retriever? Not judging by this pic:

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He has the body language of soemone standing at the top of stairs about to fall off, trying to direct his lower body backwards knowing that it’s pointless cos his ass is falling all the way down. Down her oesophagus by the looks of it. And she is not letting his ass go either *note the “tender” hands-clamped-around-face gesture.  Doug seems to mention the uncoolness of her assault on his face and attempt to start what may never have been started before in the history of their relationship – a conversation, but she’s not bothered:

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She’s ready for Round 2.  You gotta feel for that guy in the foreground of the photo who has obviously witnessed it all first hand. He has that dead look in his eyes of a man who has been broken by what he has seen.

May 22, 2009. Tags: , , , , . douch alert, hollywood gossip, hot hotness, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. 2 comments.

Paris Hilton; Agony Aunt

141439_paris-hilton-001_jpg5051ad08145f120e4e77da3a3ddb0f41While in Cannes this week promoting her new film, someone from ITN got a few seconds alone with Paris’ attention and asked her how she felt about the whole Jordan/Peter Andre break-up. Why anyone would think that Paris would know anything about Jordan or Peter Andre is beyond me, but in this case, their instincts turned up a winner, as Paris was able to respond… in a typically Paris-ian way.

Interviewer: Paris, any thoughts on the Jordan and Peter break up?

Paris: I’m not sad. I don’t know him. I know her, she’s cute so hopefully she’ll like being single.

Interviewer: Do you think she’ll cope during the break up?

Paris: Yeah! She can rock it!

Hmmm. I have the very strong impression that she has no idea what the interviewer was asking her. But then she was probably preoccupied with the critical reaction to her movie. And, unlike her previous movie “efforts” like House Of Wax or The Hottie & The Nottie, this is a serious film. A documentary no less. But, exactly like her previous movie “efforts”, it’s all about her. The film is called Paris, Not France and is all about the difficulties of being an attractive mid-twenties heir to billions, and is filled with honest truths like “People see me as a Barbie with a perfect life, a fantasy… maybe that’s what they like” and “There’s a mystery about me because how I am in public is completely different to how I am in private.”

Not so sure about that, Par. Most people like to have sex in private, whereas your sex can be accessed to be anyone with a wi-fi connection. But that infamous moment in her life is dealt with to: “It’s the most intimate thing you can do and the whole f***ing world is watching it and laughing at you. That’s not what I wanted when I was a little girl. It’s not what I planned. I always looked up to people like Princess Diana and now I can never be like that.” Yeah, because everyone was really getting a sense of Diana deja-vu from you with the half-naked red carpet appearances, dodgy r’n’b albums, crappy reality tv shows, DUI charges and stints behind bars. It was only when the sex-tape was leaked that we realised there were some differences in you two after all.

May 18, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, movies, music, oh sweet jesus, random, tv. Leave a comment.

What Comes Around……

148580“What’s that sound?”

Why, its the sound of you being bitch-slapped in court. I’ve always said that JT just had it too good. Rich, good-looking, talented, actor, singer, dancer, producer, Britney Spears in her prime, Cameron Diaz, Jessica Biel. There’s just so much to hate about him. But it looks like Karma has finally had a look at it’s To-Do pile and got to work this weekend.

Alison McDaniel has filed a sexual harassment suit against Timberlake and his business partners Eytan Sugarman and Ronnie Kaplan, stating they are guilty of “vile and discriminatory conduct.” McDaniel, 29, said her job as general manager became an X-rated nightmare in which she was spit on, pelted with expletives and subjected to porn. “In at least one instance, defendants Sugarman and Kaplan viewed … pornography while in a locked room with McDaniel and made fun of her when she began crying,” the suit filed in Manhattan Supreme Court claims. McDaniel, who worked at the Timberlake’s Second Ave. restaurant for a year, was fired after she wrote a memo complaining of the harassment, the suit claims.

Uh-Oh! None of that is good. I really, really hope that she gets millions and millions of dollars and deflates his sails so he doesn’t think he can produce his next album all on his own and goes running back to Timbaland so we can get an album full of SexyBack 2.0’s, because then everyone would be happy. Especially me. And isn’t thats what’s most important? That I get what I want? I seem to think so.

May 15, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, music, oh sweet jesus, random. Leave a comment.

The Lady & The Tramp

SPL99901_001It was while staring at this photo with the utmost contempt that I got to thinking; why do we hate these two so much? I mean, yes, they played the villians in a t.v. show, but isn’t it all very faux-real? Karen in Will & Grace was a total bitch, but people still loved her, so why with all the hate for these two? Are they so good at their jobs that the hate for them has spread into The Real World. Maybe, but I think it may just be because these two are such total douches in The Real World anyways. Spencer is a lost cause (just look at his Wiki-page, all three lines of it), but Heidi, WTF?

Trying to get her music career off the ground since The Hills is about to die a death and everyone has jumped overboard or clambered on to a “reality” series of their own, Heidi announced “I am working on my album right now. The sound is going to be very fun, fresh, sexy. It will be the Pussycat Dolls-meets-Gwen Stefani, with a dose of Fergie. I grew up dancing so there also will be a lot of performing. And a lot of my songs will be very sexual.” Eh… Great?

Her first single, (click on the song titles to hear them) Body Language had Spencer doing a rap on it (the equivalent of Britney getting K-Fed to ruin Gimme More), then there was Higher with a video shot by Spencer. Then there was Dramatic which Heidi said was a duet with Britney, which was a surprise to Britney, cos she had no recollection of recording with Heidi, and to this date, claims Heidi illegally recorded her vocals from previous Britney songs. Then there was Fashion, which had Heidi all excited because Ugly Betty wanted to use it in one of their episodes, but then they decided they preferred the Lady Gaga version, so they used that one instead. So thats none for five, so far. But then she finally hired a proper producer/songwriter, in the form of Cathy Dennis, she who what wrote Can’t Get You Out Of My Head for Kylie and I Kissed A Girl for Katy Perry, so this was a smart decision. The result is Black Out, which is just as bad, if not worse, than all the songs she’s released so far.

All I can safely assume is that Heidi Montag is a walking, breathing version of the Large Hadron Collider, a black hole where all talent will be sucked into. Intriguing, non?

May 13, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, music, oh sweet jesus, random, the hills, tv. Leave a comment.

Wild Em’ Out

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This is the pic that Nick Canno put up on his own blog page once the song Bagpipes From Bagdad was leaked on to the internet. Why so mad? Well, because a choice lyric is “Nick Cannon you pr*ck, I wish you luck with the fu*king whore”. Oh my. Accompanying this pic was an epic (and I do mean epic, as in several THOUSAND words long) rant and tirade against Em, a choice sentence being “So as I further examine the track, I hear dude cross the line. He begins to call my wife out of her name! Now as y’all know, I don’t take that type of nonsense lightly.” Hmmm, harsh. But he goes on to say that Eminem is in fact a racist, that he’s “fallen off” (not entirely sure what that means) and that he’ll gladly “meet up with Em to clear up the situation.”

Does that mean a gentlemanly chat with tea and crumpets? A fisticuffs barechested brawl in downtown Detroit? A guest spot for Em on Wild’N’Out? Or is this nothing more than just helping Em sell more of his comeback album? Either way, here’s the song that caused the whole thing. Be prepared for some very, very naughty vocabulary.

May 13, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , . douch alert, funny, hollywood gossip, music, oh sweet jesus. Leave a comment.

LOUD NOISES!! (courtesy of Kanye West’s computer keyboard)

twatKanye has gone for another rant on his blog page and this time his CAPS-rage is directed squarely at Twitter, and in particular to the number of fake accounts that people have opened pretending to be him.  I’ll let his words speak for themselves:

(This spaz comes courtesy of losers making fake Kanye West Twitter accounts) I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER… WHY WOULD I USE TWITTER??? I ONLY BLOG 5 PERCENT OF WHAT I’M UP TO IN THE FIRST PLACE. I’M ACTUALLY SLOW DELIVERING CONTENT BECAUSE I’M TOO BUSY ACTUALLY BUSY BEING CREATIVE MOST OF THE TIME AND IF I’M NOT AND I’M JUST LAYING ON A BEACH I WOULDN’T TELL THE WORLD. EVERYTHING THAT TWITTER OFFERS I NEED LESS OF. THE PEOPLE AT TWITTER KNOW I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING TWITTER SO FOR THEM TO ALLOW SOMEONE TO POSE AS ME AND ACCUMULATE OVER A MILLION NAMES IS IRRESPONSIBLE AND DECEITFUL TO THERE FAITHFUL USERS. REPEAT… THE HEADS OF TWITTER KNEW I DIDN’T HAVE A TWITTER AND THEY HAVE TO KNOW WHICH ACCOUNTS HAVE HIGH ACTIVITY ON THEM. IT’S A FUCKING FARCE AND IT MAKES ME QUESTION WHAT OTHER SO CALLED CELEBRITY TWITTERS ARE ACTUALLY REAL OR FAKE. HEY TWITTER, TAKE THE SO CALLED KANYE WEST TWITTER DOWN NOW …. WHY? … BECAUSE MY CAPS LOCK KEY IS LOUD!!!!!!!!!

I see his point, I do.  But then I wonder if his lack of love for Twitter comes from the fact that his blog consists generally of pretty pictures and very little words.  And you can’t Tweet pictures all day.  And what is with the “MY CAPS LOCK IS LOUD” ?  Is that his version of “watch out for the guns, they’ll get ya” while brandishing his arm muscles? That’s big talk from the man who single handledly has turned Rihanna into his own little dress up doll hence cutting her sex appeal by about 60% and thus enraging every hetrosexual man who loved her in the video for SOS. 

Plus there are plenty of other celebs that have these fake Twitters set up and don’t go apeshit crazy over it.  Methinks Mr. West should spend a little less time online, googling himself. *sigh*

May 13, 2009. douch alert, hollywood gossip, music, oh sweet jesus, random. Leave a comment.

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