Tilda Swinton = Scary Lady

I think the very first time I noticed Tilda Swinton was when I seen Constantine and she played the Angel Gabriel with such androgynous aplomb that when I asked my friend “Who is that guy? He’s really good” and he replied “Dude, that’s Tilda Swinton”, I still wasn’t aware that I was looking at a female.

gabriel

Afterwards I remembered that she was the total bitch from The Beach who tried to shoot Leo, and then she was super scary in The Chronicles Of Narnia, and also wasn’t a very nice person in Michael Clayton (for which she won an Oscar) and Burn After Reading. So far, so typical. She plays bitches, usually very strong, unemotional bitches. Kinda like Jodie Foster. So, like Jodie Foster, I assumed she was a fan of boxed lunches. The way she dressed to award ceremonies kinda helped me cement that opinion:

Tilda Swinton

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george_clooney19

I almost didn’t use that last one because even I wasn’t sure that I was looking at Tilda Swinton, or a woman of any nature, even thought I had Google Searched “Tilda Swinton”. I think she’s even wearing white just to make sure that people notice she’s not dressed in black like the men. George is laughing, but secretly thinking “My God you are one scary Hermaphrodite.”

Anyways, yes, scary lesbian. But no! Appearantly she was in a relationship, with a MAN no less (John Byrne), and had two kids with him, but she got bored, and then she started going out with Sandro Kopp, an internationally reknowned artist. So I thought “There we go, there’s the chick, lesbian, I knew it!”, but no. Sandro Kopp is, in fact, yet another MAN. And all the three of them, along with her kids, live together in a big house filled with depraved threeways (probably) up in Northern Scotland.

Below is a picture of the two men in her life (on the left is Sandro Kopp, on the right Father Christmas’ alcoholic brother John Byrne):

tildablokdm1202_468x332

So, the real question here is, if a scary lady like Tilda can bag two men from opposite ends of every demograph imaginable, why is it a hunk like me can’t even get a pity lay from the big lady who delivers my mail? Woe.

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March 7, 2009. Tags: , , , , , , , , . funny, hollywood gossip, movies, oh sweet jesus, random.

One Comment

  1. MJ replied:

    youre an idiot

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