New Kids On The Chopping Block

My, how things change:


It really doesn’t seem like it was EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS ago that these young chappies were singing Step By Step and making every teenage girl and some confused teenaged boys scream in delight and lust. And it also doesn’t seem like it’s been fourteen years since they last released a studio album, not including their Greatest Hits release in ’99, or their Super Hits release in ’01, or indeed the re-release of their Greatest Hits in ’07. This isn’t like Boyzone taking 8 years off, or Take That taking 11 years off. This is a bigger than that. But, then, as we all know. They did come back. And despite the fact that they have Timbaland, Polow Da Don, RedOne and Akon doing producing work on it, it still managed to crash and burn upon release. So, why the lack of success? Lets examine the evidence, shall we?


Well, they’re all so much older now, and age has taken the bat to some of them more than others. Jordan Knight (far left) can probably still make a middle aged woman’s legs go a bit wobbly, but look at the rest of them! Donnie Wahlberg (second from right) will never be seen as anything other than the uglier, less talented version of Mark, who killed Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense and then got caught up in the myriad of the Saw sequels. Jonathan Knight (far right) left it coming out of the closet too late for it still to be cool, and when he did, nobody cared, cos he wasn’t famous anymore. Joey McIntyre (centre) has a baby now, and not even a cool adopted baby with a cool name. No no no. His wife had it, and they named it Griffin. Yawn. Which, of course, just leaves Danny Wood. Of course, with the passing of Heath Ledger, everybody was vaguely concerned about whether or not it would be okay to have anyone else play The Joker in future Batman movies. I present to you, the greatest man-made replacement God has to offer:


I actually can’t look at this picture for too long, cos there’s somethings you know, you just know, that this is going to give you nightmares. I can’t watch The Blair Witch Project anymore for that reason, and now, I can add this photo to that list. So lets move on to the songs on the album itself.

Perhaps they were just too intelligent for the masses?

From Dirty Dancing: “oooh, its so crazy / She’s like Baby / I’m like Swayze.”

No. Okay, perhaps it was because they were too obvious?

From Grown Man: “So you wanna get with me? / Babe, I gotta say thats water.”

I’ve no even remote inclination as to what that could possibly mean. Maybe they were too subtle?

From Sexify My Love (greatest song title of all time?): “Girl I really gotta concentrate / Cos tonite we’re gonna consummate” or, from the same song, “Girl I’m gonna give you heaven / While we mess up the sheets.”

BLEUGH! BLEUKKKKK!!!!! Maybe its because on two of the songs they feature entire other bands like The Pussycat Dolls or similar 90’s stalwart five-piece boy band New Edition. That means, on any one song, there can be up to TEN people fighting for vocals. Thats too many!

New Kids, its time to re-think. Or just get Timbo to the entire album next time.


December 28, 2008. Tags: , , , , , , , . funny, music.

Leave a Comment

Be the first to comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Trackback URI

%d bloggers like this: