My, how things change:
It really doesn’t seem like it was EIGHTEEN FUCKING YEARS ago that these young chappies were singing Step By Step and making every teenage girl and some confused teenaged boys scream in delight and lust. And it also doesn’t seem like it’s been fourteen years since they last released a studio album, not including their Greatest Hits release in ’99, or their Super Hits release in ’01, or indeed the re-release of their Greatest Hits in ’07. This isn’t like Boyzone taking 8 years off, or Take That taking 11 years off. This is a bigger than that. But, then, as we all know. They did come back. And despite the fact that they have Timbaland, Polow Da Don, RedOne and Akon doing producing work on it, it still managed to crash and burn upon release. So, why the lack of success? Lets examine the evidence, shall we?
Well, they’re all so much older now, and age has taken the bat to some of them more than others. Jordan Knight (far left) can probably still make a middle aged woman’s legs go a bit wobbly, but look at the rest of them! Donnie Wahlberg (second from right) will never be seen as anything other than the uglier, less talented version of Mark, who killed Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense and then got caught up in the myriad of the Saw sequels. Jonathan Knight (far right) left it coming out of the closet too late for it still to be cool, and when he did, nobody cared, cos he wasn’t famous anymore. Joey McIntyre (centre) has a baby now, and not even a cool adopted baby with a cool name. No no no. His wife had it, and they named it Griffin. Yawn. Which, of course, just leaves Danny Wood. Of course, with the passing of Heath Ledger, everybody was vaguely concerned about whether or not it would be okay to have anyone else play The Joker in future Batman movies. I present to you, the greatest man-made replacement God has to offer:
I actually can’t look at this picture for too long, cos there’s somethings you know, you just know, that this is going to give you nightmares. I can’t watch The Blair Witch Project anymore for that reason, and now, I can add this photo to that list. So lets move on to the songs on the album itself.
Perhaps they were just too intelligent for the masses?
From Dirty Dancing: “oooh, its so crazy / She’s like Baby / I’m like Swayze.”
No. Okay, perhaps it was because they were too obvious?
From Grown Man: “So you wanna get with me? / Babe, I gotta say thats water.”
I’ve no even remote inclination as to what that could possibly mean. Maybe they were too subtle?
From Sexify My Love (greatest song title of all time?): “Girl I really gotta concentrate / Cos tonite we’re gonna consummate” or, from the same song, “Girl I’m gonna give you heaven / While we mess up the sheets.”
BLEUGH! BLEUKKKKK!!!!! Maybe its because on two of the songs they feature entire other bands like The Pussycat Dolls or similar 90’s stalwart five-piece boy band New Edition. That means, on any one song, there can be up to TEN people fighting for vocals. Thats too many!
New Kids, its time to re-think. Or just get Timbo to the entire album next time.
Another cover version of Womanizer has sprung up, this time from the All American Rejects. It brings a certain element of slitting your wrists to the song that I don’t think Britney originally intended. And it does introduce some kind of accordion that I’m sure not even Timbo could work with. Anyways, see what you think:
While the Royals aren’t exactly on my Top 5 List of Celebs I’d Do Anything To, I must admit that Harry has turned into a fine specimen and keeps the hopes of ginges everywhere going. And that’s quite an achievement considering how William held the title of P.I.L.F (Prince I’d like to, well, you know) forever.
This is what the world was used to seeing while Harry was photographed as little as possible except when he was partaking in illegal substances and dressing as a Nazi. But then he caught up in the hot stakes:
Mmmm, yes. Nice. But photographed coming out of Christmas mass with his family with what only be described as a hairy a**e on his face, we can safely assume that Wills has turned the same corner in his life as Brad has; the serious, mature, deep corner. Or the ugmo corner. Seriously, it’s terrible. Maybe before the new year all the royals will pin his homeless looking ass to the floor of the great hall and remove the unsightly growth. And if not at least we have Harry.
I guess, to an extent, we should all blame Eminem. Or perhaps Prince? But lets focus and say Eminem for now. Not content like the rest of us to have but one monicker, he had to go and copyright Eminem, Marshal Mathers and Slim Shady. So I guess its his fault that we are now under threat of dealing with two or more versions of every celebrity we know.
Beyonce broke new ground by refering to herself as Sasha Fierce whenever she’s in Single Ladies mode, or just play old Beyonce whenever she thinks about If I Were A Boy. To the untrained eye, there’s very little difference between the two characters, so here goes nothing. This, I’m guessing, is Beyonce:
Demure, friendly, approachable. The kind of celebrity who will hold your hand on the final of X-Factor instead of slapping you with it and screaming at you to get a hold of yourself, there’s millions of people watching! Nice lady.
So then this must be Miss Fierce:
Crazy hair, dancing like a crazed epileptic of her meds, screams at her clothes designer mama “Less! Less you Bitch, LESSSS!” but doesn’t listen when her mama tries to explain that she seems to be married to a black goldfish. Crazy lady.
And we all thought that might be the end of it. But no. Perhaps in retaliation of the blatant ripoff of her own song Like A Boy, or perhaps a publicity stunt at her own TRIPLE-ALBUM due to release in February (fuck you and your double album, B!), Ciara seems to have come out with all bi-polar guns blazing. Everyone who knows Ciara knows she is hot and flexible and seems to look amazing every second of every day:
But now she has come up with an alter-ego of her own, the not very imaginatively titled Super C!:
She’s got DC Comics artist Bernard Chang to do the album art work for her, so she’s really going all out on this one. But, on the plus side, she’s got some amazing producers doing songs on it for her, including Tricky Stewart (Rihanna’s Umbrella, Beyonce’s Single Ladies), Danja (Britney’s Gimme More, Pink’s Sober), The Clutch (Omarion’s Ice Box, Timbaland’s The Way I Are), Sean Garrett (Destinys Child’s Lose My Breath, Pussycat Dolls’ Buttonz), Polow Da Don (Fergie’s London Bridge, Chris Brown’s Forever), and more like Darchild, T-Pain, Ne-Yo, Scott Storch, Bloodshy & Avant and Justin Timberlake. And, if that weren’t awesome enough, here’s the first video single release for a song called Go Girl:
And and, if that weren’t enough, a first taste of a future single, and my favourite song I’ve heard in 2008, Echo:
Yes, you’re very welcome.
Happy, heart-warming story was covered by Russell Brand’s mention so now bitter and bored can return. First of all, it’s rumoured that Gisele and Tom Brady have got engaged. On Christmas Eve. One, two, three, aaaaawww. I think Tom was right to pop the question. Gisele is one of the hottest women on the planet and he still manages to look like the snooty cock jock of a boyfriend that’s in every rom-com, the one that the audience wills to just fook right off so that the two leads can get together and the film can end quicker.
Anyways, moving on.
Another story to be read only after a meal is properly digested is the latest profound love quote from Brad Pitt. Seriously. We get it. Your love is different, it’s deep, it’s a new level, blah blah. So what he’s basically saying is that they don’t have sex, unless of course Angie wants to procreate. They have library love now. Yawn. Here’s the latest: “It’s a tragedy in the sense that any love involves loss, and that’s the risk you take. And the greater the love, the greater the loss. I certainly feel that now with the woman I’m with, and the children that I have. But whatever the course may be, this time together is extraordinary.”
What? Does that even mean anything? It sounds like the a quote from a man with a seriously ill wife. Or a man who’s planning on murdering his wife.
So Vampire Weekend have covered one of my fave Fleetwood Mac Songs ever. Its been posted on Youtube since September but I’m only hearing it on blogs over the last three days so its going up. People need to hear this! I like how they’ve stripped down the sound and replaced the plinky plonky shimmery sound at the start of the original with a big mess of a tune up. Go Vampire Weekend! I also realise the last two ‘New Music Now!’ posts have been covers but watcha gonna do?
Here is a festive offering from The Yeah Yeah Yeahs. I think its pretty rockin! Its been ages since we’ve heard anything new from Karen O and Co. but their new album will be out in early 2009 so this will have to tide you over till then. Happy Holidays!
The amazing and talented Eartha Kitt has died aged 81. On Christmas Day! Not only was she the singer of one of my favourite Christmas tunes, she was also THE best Catwoman ever….although Michelle Pfeiffer did a pretty good job too. Here she is singing Santa Baby…and then as Catwoman!
A story sure to warm the cockles of even the coldest heart (well maybe not EVERY heart!) is one that has just come to my attention. Russell Brand, selfless do-gooder that he is, was on his way to Harrods to do some last minute shopping for, one can only assume, everything except hair products and came across a man selling Big Issue. Generous sort that he is Russell ended up giving the man £500 to travel home for christmas to see his elderly parents.
I personally think it’s a nice thing to see from anyone, nevermind a celebrity, but I doubt I’d say no to anything suggested by anyone who looked as deranged as Russell Brand. “Here’s some shillings for ya what to go up norf wiv”.
Look it’s the cast of Deck the Balls!! Oh, no, it’s just Hugh Hefner’s Christmas card with his newly varnished twin girlfriends.
Also if I were Kendra Wilkinson I wouldn’t let Hef design the wedding invites. Or, judging by this card, the wedding dress.